I Am Me

So i feel like im going to move on to another guy. It's only because i am so confused with Eric. I don't know if he likes me or not and im afraid to ask him so i want to move on. I dont WANT to move on, i really like Eric, but this is what i do. I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell him i like him untill i hung out again but i dont want to hang outbecause im sure he thinks im annoying for asking. But everyone tells me i have to ask him or nothign will happan. FUCK. This whole honestly thing isnt working. I dont give a fuck. Yay i DGAF! Ill ask him to hang out when i want were i want how i want and not feel annoying. I will tell him i like him after that. I want to tell him right now so i dont waite my time, but i dont want to get hurt. I know he doesnt like me, i know he wont like me, and it will kill me if he tells me it to. IT WILL HONESTLY KILL ME! I have grown so much to be able to do and say the stuff i have with Eric and it will all feel like nothing. The way things are going i will get let down. I work my ass off and try my hardest and i will be let down. Maybe i should tell him right now so i dont waist both of our times??? What do you think>

So Little Shop closed on Friday. I t was the most fun i have ever had in ANY performance. I am defenetly going to miss it. I made two amazing friends from the show, T'Pring and Sherra, and i learned alot about my self, one example: Don't sing behind a wall, especially with a shitty sound system, it will make you sing flat. But like i said, amazing month and a half.

So i'm a little scared. I know i like Eric, not a WHOLE lot, but i defenetly like him, and i have hung out with him twice in the past 3 weeks, which really isn't alot, but thn i called him on Thursday to see if he wanted to come smiwwimg with Stacey and I and he couldn't, but i feel like im starting to smother him. I also feel kind of weird calling him and talking to him since he didn't REALLY give me his number for social calls, it was more to find his house, but it really scares me. I can feel myself closing up and screwing everything up because i feel liked i fucked up, i dont think i will be able to talk to him anytime soon, for fear of talking to him to much, but on the other hand, why would you spend YOUR money and YOUR time to hang out with someone you kind of know unless you wanted to get to know them better and because you wanted to be friends with them? I know i wouldn't spend 10 bucks on a movie and 10 bucks on dinner for someone i didn't care for, and be around them and their friends with NONE of my friends around. But that leads to more bad news for me. I never asked him on a date, jsut to hang out, which is all i wanted to do, i just wanted to become better friends, and now i'm afriad we have hung out one too many times and asking him out on a date would be bad because theres a certain time period where your friends, but you can still ask them out, or to be your boyfriend, but once it closes your stuck as friends forever. Thats how it feels like. I don't know, i wish i had more clearer answers. I feel like an ass if i were to call him up from this point on and ask to do anything with him becuase i feel like ill be annoying him. I want to give up now, but i know Stacey would kill me if i did and probably do something i wouldn;t want her to do, like start asking him if he liked me or would like me or stuff like that. I'll give it a few mroe days, maybe ill call him up Friday...or send him a message on myspace to see if he wants to do somethign me Stacey and me. It's sad, i couldn't ask him to hang out ith just me alone, not becaue i would be scared, but because i don't want anythign to be weird and i don't want to ruin what, if any, chances i have with him by doing something stupid. How long does it take for you to find out you like someone???

I am feeling so much anger and hatered for Linden right now. It takes a lot of passion for someone to get me to hate them. Because of this, all i want to do is make out with Linden. I invited him to my house on Sunday, because evceryone is coming over and going swimming, yeah i know hes not goignto come, but damn it i just wanna make out with him so bad, and the boy pisses me off so much!

This is probably the most normal feeling i have felt in a while...weird.

I am like dizzy and feel sick. It's because i'm thinking about a lot of things.

I just know it won't go my way. If everything went my way, my mom would be going into surgery Friday, then she would be back to work. My dad would be making the money he was SUPPOSE TO MAKE. I would be able to go to Disneyland, banquet, do YTC, be amazing in the play, and date Eric. How ever as the story of my life goes, i am given those oppertunities only to get them aken from me. I am suppose to have 49 dollars for Disneyland tomorrow, but i don't want to ask my mom and dad because it will stress them out if they don't have the money then i'll get stressed out. If i don't go to Disneyland i'm not going to banquet. It's only fair and the same rules apply. My mom was suppose to go into surrgery a LONG time ago and should have been back to work in February. I miss her leaving every morning, smelling, dressing, and acting like a professional career woman. I respected her when she had her job downtown, she was a strong career woman and i looked up to her. I have no idae how i'm going to get 600 dollars for YTC. I was suppose to ask my grandma for it, but she's spent SO much money on me in the past two months and i'm probably getting her old car soon and i'd feel bad asking her for it. I got sick and was loosing my voice the first week of performances. I feel like i to blame for the small crowds and the unsucess of the show. It really bothers me when someone comes up to me and says "nto to be mean but you were really flat on all you notes tonight". There no excuse for this, Mr. Chatham trusted me and i let him down. And i just keep getting good thoughts about Eric and I, becoming better friends and then moving on past friends, but then that bothers me. Everytime i think something like this im screwed. It never works out. It never happans. I am a big joke. Everything i want is a big joke. I mean why would Eric want to go out with someone like me? No one else does... I know it's going to happan. Everything will hit rock bottom very soon.

Well i was very surprised. It happaned. Stacey, Eric, and I went to the movies. We went and saw Posidon. Honestly i didn't think it was going to happan. I just kept telling my self something was going to goall wrong...tonight was so much fun. It was weird or anything. Everything was so chill and normal and confortable and that made me happy. We all laughed and just had a really really good time. If nothing works out, if for what ever reason it could, i wouldn't mind just being friends with Eric becuase he's just way cool and way fun and wow, i had a good night. Keep your fingers crossed though, i like Eric now...after tonight i officially like him.

Linden doesn't like me. Not because i did something to him, but because he is competing with me. I am very intuitive, i know, i can feel it, especially since they are feelings that involve me. I remember last night at Denny's when i started to dance around and got really crazy and all the attention was on me, im not an attention whore and i didn't do it delebritly, but aqftre that Linden got sad and went and sat in a booth by himself. He doesn't like that i get mroe attention then him. I'm not trying to make him out to be the victom, tryust me i've been there, but it bothers me. It bothers me that i bother him. Tonight at Denny's i just left. I knew he didn't want me there, i could feel it, i could sense it, and i didn't want to upset him. He feels like im stealing his friends. I know...TRUST ME I KNOW! But i love Linden to death, but it's an internal battle that he will have to fight on his own. I'm sure i could help in some way, who knows maybe i can.

On a lighter note tomorrow Stacey and I will be going to the movies with Eric. I am really excited, not because i like him, i don't, not like MAJORLY or anything, but because i have a chance at making a new close close friend, and i love meeting people, we have all ready met, but i've never hung out with him before. Cross your fingers for something good.

The show has been...well ok. I know it can be amazing though. Hopefully next week my voice will be back for good and i can finally hit those note and not get flat. Sherra and T'Pring are amazing. I am so glad i became friends with them, in just one month the two of them mean so much to me. I was friends with Sherra before, but not like MAJORLY, the two of them are so much like me and they make me laugh SO much and ill miss them after this show and when the graduate. I remember when i was like "Amber where you going?" and T'Pring was all "with me" and i was all "don't take me hoe, hoe" and then she's all"i am. You wanna come with us?" That made me feel really good. She made me feel like a friend and for someone to ask me that when i've only known them for maybe 4 weeks makes me feel so good. I love them, they complete me. P.S. I think this is another reason Linden is upset, Sherra and T'Pring were Linden's first, he feels like i stole them. I understand COMPLETELY, it's a territorial thing and Linden just has to realize it, but i'm not helping, i know, subconiously, that im feeding the flame.

Ok, nighty night.
Dylan

I finally got the message. "Can we do it an other night?" It's not like he had some lame brain exscuse for it, he doesn't want to be an hour late to his friends birthday party, i understand. I can tell he was honest about it. I told him to let me know about a good day, but this is my last5 free weekend, except for Sundays, for three weeks. I hope that he would just tell me "gross i dont like you, and i really don't want to go to a movie with you" if he really didn't, but i don't think he feels that way. I think he is pretty sincere about this, i just hope it all works out.

So tonight Jamie, Kara, and I went to a cute little cafe at UCSD and saw some guys play and listened to music and i started to get "flashes" of the future. It was amazing, turns out a guy playing there was on my myspace friends list, and one song just stood out to me and it was all by coicidence that we went...i don't believe in couincidences, so what's that tell you?

I was worried when Eric mesaged me on myspace, i was ready for the huge let down, turns out he's willing to be a little late to his friends birthday party to see a movie with me. He doesn't even know me all that well yet, and this is his friend. That really makes me happy. If i didn't give a shit about someone, and they asked me to do somethign with them, i DEFENETLY wouldn't be late to a friends party for them...im still not going to get my hopes up. I can tell you i sense him going to the party and talking about me, i just have to make it all good things. I am a people pleaser, so sue me. Night.

Dylan

Yeah i passed my test, i only missed four, cool cool. Now i am legal, all i need is a car, and my twelve months to be up.

So i'm really scared about Saturday. i cam just feel it coming. "Yeah i can't go, i have (insert excuse here)." It's just hard, cuz Stacey thinks if Eric and I start hanging out more, that him and I might be able to get together and he could be good for me and we could have a good relationship together. I stoled some Tag body spray from Rite Aid today, it smells good. I like him, not like ALOT, but like in a healthy, less then LIKE LIKE, but a tad bit more then friends, like i feel i could REALLY like him, and i'm trying to do everything possible to make things work out. I just hope i don't start to pull away and close myself up, i've been able to be myself around him the other times, but idk. Like i said before, i'm waiting for things to crash and fall. I bet he doesn't even like me, like as a friend. Night.

Dylan

Well not too much has been happaning this past week or so. The managers are trying to kick us out, good luck with that one. My house is being painted and my grandma is out here and buying me stuff, im working the car in little by little...i'll have it before school starts in the fall.

I've been feeling a little weird lately. I think theres something wrong with me because i am always thinking people like me and it turns out they dont, i think its because i mistake their niceness for liking me. I realized this from Zach, who i was almost sure liked me, when i asked him to a movie, he said as friends, in 4 weeks. Turns out some guy told him something similier...bastard had it coming to him. How ever thiss weekend Stacey and I are going to see a movie with Eric. I'm pretty excited. I always thought he was a cutie and i used to crush on him earlier in the year, we didn't know eachother much AT ALL so it was weird, but i started talking to him, hear and there, and we still don't know eachother TOO much, but the dact that he said yes amazes me. It's not a date date but im excited and maybe i can get to know him better. One flaw to this. He posted something on myspace about "why did i tell you that. your a looser. i think i threw up in my mouth a little". This was a few days after i asked him to the movies with me, and i thought he might have been talking about me, with me luck he was. Things are looking up for me, which is why i am expecting them to all fall apart within the next few days.

This has been the first time in probably over a year that we STILL have money after my mom has gotten her check. My dad was suppose to get his Friday, here it is almost Tuesday and he hasn't picked it up yet cuz hes lazy, and we clearly don't need it. And yes all the bills are paid and like i said WE STILL HAVE MONEY! I know i wasn't pulling this shit out of my ass, we have plenty of money, but im still worried. She has a gamboling problem and she wont let me take care of the money, and it bothers me. Little Shop opens next week, THERES NO WAY WERE READY! I'm nervious, i havn't memerized all my lines, not like i need too, but we still have to rehers one more of my songs and we don't know who is controling Audrey 2 yet. Oh well it will all come together, it always does.

I get my license on Wensday, which is in 2 days, im kinda scared, but i have been driving for 4 years now, illigally, i drive alone all the time, and with friends, ill be ok "knock on wood". I really hope good things could work out with me and Eric, but each time i seem to be getting closer and closer to a good relationship and i have to keep telling myself everything happans for a reason and everything will happan the way is was meant too.

Dylan

I am done with boys. Officially and forever. I am done with the games, and i am done with getting hurt. I got turned down TWICE today...well sorta, but if the first guy didnt like me then i was sure the second did. I don't even know what to say. I am at a loss for words. Where did i go wrong? Screw it, im tired of being everyones friend, im tired of being the single one, the one who feels ok with it. Im tired of seeing my friends happy with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I truely mean it, how can you say one thing, give off so many hints, and then turn around and say "it can only be jsut as friends" friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, screw it, i dont need any more friends.

So today was the last day of testing, and that means the last minium day. We got out at 11:15 today, and during Spring Break, Kara, Stacey, Scott, and I planed on going to the beach today...and we did. We wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for Stacey and her dads car, praise her. So Kara, Stacey, Amber, Shannon, Scott and I all piled into a 5 person car and left for O.B. It didn't take long to get there and onec we did we had ana amazing time. We played in the water, went boogy boarding and body boarding, went to a Mexican resturant and ate and it was just an amazing day. It was a day i'm sure we all needed.

I am pretty much hating myself right now. When i like someone, i never show it and i feel like its ruining any chances for me and a cool guy. I know Stacey really wants me to try and she is pushing me to do it, but i am just too afraid. I'm confused about the guy i like and have NO IDEA if hes interested in me or would ever be. It's not like i would be sad if he wasn't, but i jsut don't know how to ask. So, we were suppose to be getting evected from our house, yeah the whole scam with the managers of my park, well they didn't tell the corpret office that my mom was on dicability and that she is suppose to be going into surgery. What ever, i wasnt worried, i knew everything would work out the way its suppose to. Ok well im ganan go take a shower, wash the beach off of my body, and watch Supernatural, and who knows what else. Peace out.

Dylan

Many times, my dad doesn't come home untill like...well way late. And this is a constant thing. Well my mom called his cell phone and "someone" picked up and said "hello, wrong number" in some stupid meican accent or something. If you ask me, hes getting drunk with his friends and they're doing something stupid. Well my mom overexagerates everything and according to her "he's laying in some ditch somewhere probably dead". But, thats not really the important part. The important part is i am thinking about moving out. I mean i don't REALLY have issues with my mom and dad, but the fact is they try and blame EVERYTHING on me. And i pretty much know whats going on with the whole money situation. All i can say is they would rather treat themselves to stupid, toxic, "ding" "ding" "ding" pleasures. They ALMOST had me convinced that i ask about the money to much when i don't need to or that im spending all their money. I'm not. They wold rather see me on the streets then give up their habbits and i can't live with people who SAY they would do anything for their kids, and then turn around and almost make them homeless. I'm not poor. I am far from it, i realized that it is them. They put their money in places it shouldn't be put. They both get PLENTY of money every month. I was, for the longest time, so mind set that i was poor, and i had a lot to do with it. I'm not poor, i have irresponcible parents, and it's absalutly NOT my fault. I am tierd of being the "adult" around here. Im tierd of people coming up at 3, 4, even 6 o'clock in the morning. I'm not living like this, im not ganna let them screw up my life like this. I feel like such trash talking about a subject like this, but its not me. I didn't put myself in this situation, my parents did and i hope that by leaving they might figure out what they're missing and MAYBE change their habbits. They fucked up on their first son (my half brother) and you'd think they wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

A lot of times i think. I hate thinking. Sometimes i wonder. I love to wonder. But i start to hate, when i think so much, so then i want to sleep. I don't know who knows this, and frankly i don't care what you think about this but i am psychic and an empath. Not freakishly so either. It's like, well its like being gay. I was born gay, i can't change it, it gets in the way of almsot everything and people might nto like me for it and my friends will sometimes doubt it. But when EVER i like someone my empathy gets into the way. If you don't know what empathy (the psychic form of empathy) is, it means feeling exactly what someone else can feel, or has felt. Basicly if im walking down the street sometimes i will all of a sudden feel sad, for no reason, then ill look over and see a woman crying in her car. Or ill get angry then look and see a man yelling at his wife. It's things like that that make me an empath. But it comes to how i feel about friends, family, and even lovers, it's all different. When ever i like someone i instantly dont know my own feelings. It "feels" like someone likes me, but i doubt myself because i dont know if its really me liking them. I end up getting so confused so i gave up on liking people. But now i can't get past the first mile mark. It's all talk, and talk, and talk, and when i wont admit to liking someone, i can;t go ferther, and i get find out if they like me, so i get no where in the end. But what i like most of all is when my friends doubt me and tell me how wrong i am. So i "think" i like a boy. I tell a friend and instantly this friends thinks the boy is too bored or likes someone else to want to hang out with me. Or this friend says how opposit we are from eachother when this friend is going out with someone who is opposit of my friend. I love how i support my friends to the very end and how much i try to see them happy but none of my friends what to see me happy or support me and would rather see me single, alone, and unhappy then to admit someone could ACTUALLY like me. I can't rely on my own feelings and intuition so i rely on my friends, but it doesnt help when they are so negitive about the situation.

On that note, today was pretty fun. I woke up at almost 4, Kara and Scott came over and we were suppose to go swimming. We left instead and got free food from Subway. The we were suppose to get drunk wit Christine and Todd and Keven, then Kara couldn't go then Christine and them couldn't do it so it was kinda of a good let down. And now i feel like i need to cry but i don't know why. I need Stacey. She is the ONLY person and will be the ONLY person who can get my emotions correct and i trust her and ONLY her. Good night.

Dylan

She's not my mom anymore.
My mom died April 8, 2006.

Yesturday was one of the most amaazing days i have ever had. I had a mix of so many wonderful feelings and i really can't explain it. It started in the morning. I called Stacey at about 8 to wake her up. At 9:30 i left my house and drove the car to Alpine to pick her up. She made toast and then she showed me her stash of Arizonia drinks. I was in heaven. We took one for each of us and were on our mary way. Evverything was pretty normal on the way to Old Town. We had some life talks which was good, we needed it. Then the fun happaned. Stacey thought we were suppose to get off at this one exit, and i said it was the one after, so she got off on the one after. We got lost. We drove around then got on the free way that takes you down town, then we got on it again going back to Old Town. A sign in front of us said, "Old Town straight". We went straight and were now on a new rode. We got onto another free way that took us to the "beaches". We were still lost. Then we saw grandma! "Gramma, let me see your titties!" Haha, that was fun. Well we turned around and finally got to Old Town from the right free way exit. We spent some time in the Whaley House. Nothing special happaned so we left at like 12. We were in El Cajon getting gas and then my dad called me and said to bring him gas money all the way down in Marina Blvd. "Were in El Cajon!" That stressed me out. We were suppose to go to Haven Bakery in Jamul, but we just went home instead. The we waited a few hours and drove my mom to 7-11 and then we drove to Darin's to pick Natalie and Darin up. Lacey, obviously, didn't come, i know better then to make plans with someone like her. We got to Old Town. Stacey and I got coldstone, and Natalie and Darin went to go get french fries. We met back with Kara, Jamie, Shannon, and Amber. Then Todd and Christine came. That was great. We got our tickets, cept me and Stacey, which were five dollars (thanks to Cassie i think lol) and went inside. We had snuck a Ouija Board in there, that was pretty scary. Nothing happaened with it though. Everyone has a crush on Victor, he works there. Um but in Christine's pictures theres orbs in the area were the Ouija Board was, freaky. We went to have dinner at the Alamo, that was good, went back in the Whaley House, nothing special happaned, and we decided to go to Dairy Road. We drove all the way out to El Monte rd. late at night and drove on a scary road and it was way fun. We heard the screams from screaming tree, which are birds, but it was fun. Then we drove to Darin's and went home. It was an amazing day.

So much for my trusting my mom. I have this feeling that she spent the rent money AT THE CASINO! I can't say for sure, but i fel it in my bones. If that is the case, I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN. I absalutly mean this with every bit of passion, honesty, angery, sadness, everything feeling i am emotionaly capable of feeling. Since i do feel this way, for reason i can't really say, and along with feeling it and trusting my intuition and give up on trusting people. If my own mother can't even be there for me then no one else can. This i also mean and will stick by. Never again will a trust a single leaving person, dead person, or inatimit object for the rest of my life [period].

So i think i am having an epiphiny. Is that even how you spell epifa(i)ny? Well what ever. Any shit, usually every year i change. Nothing big, maybe a new group, maybe i decided wearing stuff like billabong, fmf, southpole arn't that great. How everi still like Volcom, always will, but non the lessi change. I think i have done all my changing though, well almost. I am confortable with my straight self, and as of this week i am confortable with my gay self, so now i can finally be me. I had to spend that time as a "bro" in 8th 9th and some of 10th grade. I had to go vintage...metro...prep...when i did. Now i think i am changing. No i AM changing. Some of you (people who have even all ready said it) think im going straight or i am "acting straight". No your wrong, i am being me. What you don't understand is that i was extremely "straight" at one point and extremely "gay" at one point. Sure it can have a lot to do with the boys i like...yes i have changed because of the boys i liked, trying to be like them so people would like me, i mean i liked them right? But now i am chaning for my friends. I am going to say something i would not normally say, i hope i don't upset you or i don't want you to be mad at me when i say this, but Nick Hankins, Darin Price, Stacey Piatek, and Natalie Knuth are my BEST FRIENDS. Yeay you all knew Stacey and I were VERY close, but it's weird huh? I hang out with my theatre friends for than these other people, so arn't my theatre friends my best friends? Well no. A best friend is someone you do EVERYTHING with. I mean from seeing plays, movies, going to the beach, GOING TO THE DESERT, going to hardcore shows...EVERYTHING. Sure i love Kara, Jamie, Shannnon, Danae all to death. And i would die for them, but i only know them as theatre friends. I know i hang out with them all the time seeing PLAYS AND MOVIES, and we do random other things too which is great. I don't want it to stop and i want to do mroe of it, but they are only a piece of me. Natalie, Darin, Nick and Stacey are the most well rounded people i know. I am well rounded. It is only fare that my best friends are too and thats them. Sure Stacey is the popular cheerleader, sure Nick is the cool hardcore guy, sure Darin is the lonesome Emo, and sure Natalie is the cute average make sure i always do my homework girl, but they are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much mroe then that. It doesn't mean my other friends arn't anything else, but i don't know them as anything else, and that's the problem. I don't want to be known as the theatre kid which i am known for, i dont want to be known as the gay kid, which i am known for, so right now i want to change. I am just being myself. I like to drink, i like parties, i like plays, i like movies, i like piercings, i like hardcore music, i like tatoo's, i like cartoons, i like the computer, i like playing video games, i like getting into trouble, i like style, i like boys, i like the beach. So people know me for only TWO out of FOURTEEN things and to me thats alot of things. I am tierd of being known as the gay theatre kid when i am so much mroe then that jsut like my best friends. After little shop i will be changed. I will have my lip pierced and from what i have heard, i am changing into a "straight emo kid". If that's the case then so be it. As long as its not a gay theatre kid. I will still be in theatre though, and i will still like boys, but ill just be myself. I son't want to not hang out in the theatre at lunch anymore, but i am considering it. I wanna brake my sterio type, if thats so bad then oh well. I will always act the same, but my lip, my clothes, and the place i hang will be different. Oh well. I know i always say "i wanna be able to hang out with ALL of my friends even though they are ALL so different," but i now know this is unrealistic and i can deal with that. So im sorry if you won't like the new me in advanced, but ill still be the same. Like a good friend once said "I am me, and i won't change for anyone."

Well tonight i went over to Darin's and to my surprise had a lot of fun. Natalie came over earlier and we all hung out and it was great. I even met a cool new friend name Cody...yeah he is cool. Anyways, Natalie and Bryan (who was also there) left and then the strange kids came out lol. No im kidding, Nick, Todd, Christine, and some other people came over and we drank and it was great. I needed it. I needed a night with some old friends. I was suppose to go to Chelsea's party, but i had fun.

So Stacey and i are getting our lips pierced in like two weeks hopefully. Also i realized i go for straight, punk/emo guys and that is it. I am not going to settle for second rate. The problem is there are so few gay guys like this and it makes it harder for me. The right guy is out there, but it's taking way to long.

Night,
Dylan

I should have figured. I am down to 300 dollars. I gave my mom 900 for bills that she said she had to pay and other bills were more expesive then she first thought. It's ok though. New York and YTC are all something that i don't have to do. I mean i AM going to do it, but my grandma will probably pay for it and if my mom goes back to work, then she can have a fund raiser and get LOTS of money. Things finacially are looking up, only because my mom is trying hard to stay away from the casino...and i see it now, but since it's raining my dad isn't working, hopefully he will get back soon though. Oh and i also found out where she got the money. Someone asked to barrow 40 dollars from my mom and they said if they won on some kind of bet he would split it with her. He won and he did.

I am starting to trust my mom again. Slowly, but i am. Today she wore stockings for the first time in forever. I know it sounds stupid to you, but when my mom used to work she wore cute clothes, like i said, and worestockings and cared about the way she looked. Today she reminded me of the way she used to be and i love her so much for it. She wasn't wearing nasty "tweaker" clothes and she even went to work. She is helping a friend out fileing papers and such, kind of what she did at her old job minus the typing legal documents and the 70,000 dollars a year she got,and the nice rich lawyers she worked for, but its ok. I felt proud to say that she was my mom today and it made me feel good and made me feel like i can slowly let my gaurd down, trust people, and bring some stress off my back. I was actually able to talk to her and it was good. I hope this continues through the surgery untill she gets back to work.

Well last Tuesday i wrote a note to this boy Ray. He used to come into the theatre and talk to me, and randomly hug me, and i knew he was flirting with me and liked me. I wasn't interested in him at first, hes younger, very VERY straight (he's bi), but he seemed so troubled and like a bad boy and i like that. I wanted to be able to get to know him, help him (which i felt he needed some guidence) and thought it would be a nice relationship. Everyone else also thought he liked me, EVERYONE! Well today i asked him if he read my note and then he came up to me and was all "yes. im dating a guy and a girl right now though. we all kind of like eachother and were all horny so its like this love square". It didn't make sense to me. I mean the weird comment he told me. I pretty much feel he was trying to tell me i don't like you, go away, and im making this shit up. Well im just tierd of the games. This happans EVERY time, EVERY time, and at leaste now people know exactly what i mean by when i say "everytime a guy is interested in me and i act interested in him, suddenly he doesnt want me anymore" and it is true. This isn't anything like my old crushes, i thought something coulddevelope, but it didn't and i am done! Good night.

Dylan

P.S. I'm not spellchecking this one, fixing typoes, or capitolizing my "i's". Suppernatural is on and i am tierd.

Last night i did not get to bed until about 1 in the morning. I hadn't taken a shower, I was waiting for my mom who said she would "be there very soon", and I did fall asleep earlier that day so maybe I couldn't sleep because of it. Anyways I went to bed and I woke up at about 7:30 to my dad playing his stupid keyboard which is has been for A WHOLE WEEK STRAIGHT! Anyways, i didn't get up or anything, i waited for him to come wake me up, and he did about 5 minutes later, but my mom wasn't home yet and i was pissed so i told him i wasn't going to school until my mom got home. At this point i was stressing hard. I would be late for school, my mom had just got her check and was out all night, I didn't take a shower, and I don't know if i have to many absences in 6th period. Anyways i finally convinced my dad i was NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY...which i didn't.

I woke up an hour later to my mom's voice. All yesturday mind you, when I called her, she said she "had a surprise for me" when she told me he had breakast I was pretty pissed, but what ever. I kind of ignored her, let her know I was angry with her, and went back into my room to fall asleep. She came back in and said "here". I didn't wan't to look so I kept my head under the blankets and kind of peaked. I saw money, that's all. I asked her what it was and she just said "here, it's for your New York trip". I finally took it and it was a HUGE WOD OF HUNDREDS! I didn't count it though, I would have probably done something stupid lol. I kept asking where she got it and all she would say is "I worked hard for that, I got it from someone who I helped". I had no idea what that meant. So i figered she eaither a. robbed a bank b. is a hoe walking the streets or c. she got it at the casino. I am going to have to go with c. so I pretended not to be happy about it because I don't want her to think it's ok for her to do that, even if she does win money. I had finally counted it. $1,500.00 in cash. I was pretty happy.

Well I am not using all the money for New York, even though I am sure it is more expensive then that, but I have other things I need to take care of first. I owe Mrs. Gaeir $285.00 for yearbook camp and I will probably pay it tomorrow. Then I need to take $500.00 away from the money for YTC (Youth Theatre Conservatory). This is the theatre program Mr. Chatham is putting on during the summer. It is an audition process so not everyone is going to get it, but I have a pretty good relationship with Mr. Chatham so i'm not worried. I mean i'm not trying to sound conseded, but like i said, I am putting the money away NOW. So that leaves me with $700.00. Maybe that will be good for a down payment? Hopefully I will have all the money by the time we do go to New York, but I am going to start saving up now.

It doesn't make sense though. My mom usually gives me $100.00 everytime she gets her check, with out feeling like all her money will be gone or anything like that. She gets a $3,000.00 check every month. Out of no where she gives me $1,500.00. That must mean she probably has about $20,000.00. This is stressing me out though. I mean I am happy, and thankful, don't get me wrong, but I need to know how much she got in the first place and where she got it from thats all.

Well I am enjoying my day off. I will see you all soon. Later.

Dylan

My first REAL post in such a long time. I think i will update everyone on what is going on in my life as of now.

Last week exactly we had auditions for Little Shop. I was so scared, but i came out a winner in the end. I got the part of Audry II (the plant). I wanted this part so bad too, so i am extremely excited. 2 songs, one reprise, so 3 songs. I sit back stage and sing/say my lines. I don't have to worry about costuming, makeup, blocking, or MEMERIZATION, but i still should try to memerize my lines. I am really happy with the cast. It's an amazing feeling being on stage, or your voice being on stage, that i havn't felt in so long. I am glad to be back where i belong.

So i just realized something. My mom has a gambeling promblem, she is out of work, and my dad WAS between jobs. The past year and a half was hell. I honestly could have died and not cared. Things are better now, MUCH better. I mean when my mom gets her check every month, 3 thousand dollars, and she always seems to be gone...like right now, i worry she is at the casino, but i just have to trust her (but i am going to call her when im done with this). I had no idea how good i have it. My mom and dad ALWAYS make sure i have lunch money and the things i need, when they dont have money, they find some way to get it to me when i need it and i have been acusing them of not caring...i was wrong. I realized this because someone is in the same situation as me and 'she' has parents who don't SEEM to care at all. I think it's time for me to back off, but you do have to understand i worry because i don't want to be at the place where we have no money for the rent, cable, internet, phones, etc. and that sucked. My mom has been good about keeping her money and i just hope it stayes that way.

My mom is SUPPOSE to be going into surgery this week. She says she has an infection and they wont take her, i dont know maybe she does, but its important she gets back to work. I just want my old mom back, the one with the nice 9-5 job, worked in a nice downtown office, had nice classy friends, wore cute clothes (not tweaker clothes like she is now thinking she is 16 years old) has normal hair and cares a little more about the things i do. I mean i get away with anything, and sometimes i want my mom to get mad at me for ding something wrong, she is suppose to be my mother and not my friend, she thinks it is the other way around, but i am willing to meet her half way as long as she AT LEASTE goes back to work.

I have a little bit more to say, but nothing TOO important. I'm glad i have changed so much and have grown up since my last livejournal, it's amazing to go back and read everything i was going through...i was such a baby lol. I am going to eat dinner, which i hanven't yet, get into the shower, call my mother, and go to bed. Talk to you all later.

Dylan

This is my new journal. My old one was zell701, but that was an old part of my life and i have grown since then so i have decided to create a new livejournal. Hopefully i can keep up with this one, i promise to update at leaste once a week.
Peace